I will fly back to Australia on the 27th of September.
I have been living a transitory life for a long time. I had always questioned whether I was running away from or running towards something. In my early years I was running away from something. I was running from the life of quiet desperation I knew many people lived. Running from the shackles of a 20 year mortgage. Running from jobs that I knew would have me seeing the same faces and the same spaces, a monotony that would crush the spirit. Because material possessions are hollow I gained no satisfaction from them. My ego didn’t need boosting by external goods so I avoided the debt trap that some people fall through in order to gain ’things’ they think will make them feel better about themselves. I saw all this as a weight that would drag me under.
Having gained sufficient distance from what I didn’t want the difficulty now looms of what I am running towards. I can now say that my sole ambition is to live a quiet life. I have the foundations for it and I am returning to build upon them.
As for sharing this life with someone, it seems remote. My great problem, as with all hopeless romantics, is that I am taken by beauty in isolation. I see it as if observing a painting or studying a sculpture. When the subject regains motion, unfreezing the frame, the reality check that she may not be moral, or ethical, may be superficial, may be grumpy in the morning or restless at night, may treat people badly, may be vain, may have any number of disagreeable qualities causes me to prefer the subject without the background.
Of course someone may exist for me that has both outer and inner beauty but it is a bridge too far for me to imagine that wonderful feelings could be sustained over time. It would be like seeing a gem lose its lustre once you picked it up. I am content to see it shine without possessing it.
So it seems that this South American odyssey will end in a whimper not a bang. The duration, less than anticipated. The distance, less than planned but this is looking at the glass half empty. It is half full and knowing there is many a slip betwixt the cup and the lip, half full is full enough.
I have been living a transitory life for a long time. I had always questioned whether I was running away from or running towards something. In my early years I was running away from something. I was running from the life of quiet desperation I knew many people lived. Running from the shackles of a 20 year mortgage. Running from jobs that I knew would have me seeing the same faces and the same spaces, a monotony that would crush the spirit. Because material possessions are hollow I gained no satisfaction from them. My ego didn’t need boosting by external goods so I avoided the debt trap that some people fall through in order to gain ’things’ they think will make them feel better about themselves. I saw all this as a weight that would drag me under.
Having gained sufficient distance from what I didn’t want the difficulty now looms of what I am running towards. I can now say that my sole ambition is to live a quiet life. I have the foundations for it and I am returning to build upon them.
As for sharing this life with someone, it seems remote. My great problem, as with all hopeless romantics, is that I am taken by beauty in isolation. I see it as if observing a painting or studying a sculpture. When the subject regains motion, unfreezing the frame, the reality check that she may not be moral, or ethical, may be superficial, may be grumpy in the morning or restless at night, may treat people badly, may be vain, may have any number of disagreeable qualities causes me to prefer the subject without the background.
Of course someone may exist for me that has both outer and inner beauty but it is a bridge too far for me to imagine that wonderful feelings could be sustained over time. It would be like seeing a gem lose its lustre once you picked it up. I am content to see it shine without possessing it.
So it seems that this South American odyssey will end in a whimper not a bang. The duration, less than anticipated. The distance, less than planned but this is looking at the glass half empty. It is half full and knowing there is many a slip betwixt the cup and the lip, half full is full enough.
Lol. That would have had to be written in a pretty fantastic funky self depreciated moment.
ReplyDeleteBest "woe is me" blog I've read in ages
Matey, the ability to appreciate beauty in isolation is ok, but it's being able to share that beauty with someone, and then appreciate it from their point of view that is expanding.
Someday, somewhere sometime, watch out for that wet fish that is floating around, because when you least expect it, whack!!! Right across the face, and wow, your live will never be the same.
Just a hint for young players, love is not easy, it takes work, sacrifice, and at times, the ability to subsume your own desires, but the pay off is awesome. Personal growth. And with that, the gem will never loss it's shine.
Get out of you funk Michael, and embrace what you have achieved, seen,experience, tasted, witnesses,drunk,eaten, and everything else you did, and keep entertaining me!!!!!
Though yup may not fully realize it, have something a lot of people don't, and that is respect. Word
Hey Benn,
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to come across so dire. I'm optimistic about what lies ahead. Although the prospect of becoming an old man with only drool and cigarette burns in my cardigan to keep me company isn't very promising!
I'll keep a look out for that fish. Hope springs eternal.
Both of you are correct in my experience, it does take hard work but it depends on the point in life where you are coming from, I am always running to, or from that is the question within, i know I would rather be someone who looks so deeply in life that at times it makes me depressed than someone who doesn't look at all..(Alison).
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